Guest Article: It’s All About You

by Peter S.

So, you want to find someone who is right for you? First things first, this is all about you. It is about who you are, who you want to find, and what you want to do with that relationship. Everything you do to get into a relationship is ultimately for and about you.

How badly do you want to find a relationship? The more you want it, the more you need to pull out the stops and work toward getting one.

The chances are that you are going to be working out side of your comfort zone. This is why you need to know how much you want a relationship. You need to have a driving force to work outside of your comfort zone. You need that driving force to come from within. “Your mother wants grandkids” is not a good enough reason.

When you’re putting yourself out there, you need to be the best you can be. This is an opportunity to become more then you were, so be prepared to invest in yourself, perhaps even a lot.

Everything you do to find a partner must be an investment in yourself as well. Some investments are easier to see then others. Be honest with yourself. Look in the mirror and give yourself a critical look. Don’t be too harsh with yourself, but acknowledge places that could use investment. Investments in your self can be anything from wardrobe to activities to attitude adjustments. What do you like about yourself? Find a way to highlight it in your life. Is there something you want to change? Work on changing it. Is there something you want to try? Try it. Stretch your boundaries.

There are lots of resources available to you. Friends, family, and social activities can all be used to help you find someone. Do you have any hobbies? Do you want some new ones? The internet is good for locating groups of people. There are groups of people dedicated to every hobby you can imagine. Find the local groups and where they meet and join them. Make new friends. Maybe one of them will become more. Maybe one of them knows someone who might be a good fit for you.

Action is a huge part of finding someone. If you don’t act, nothing will happen. So figure out where you want to start and act.

Sure, it matters what you do. You have to remain true to yourself, but do something! Make a plan. Where are you going to look? How much time are you going to spend looking? When are you going to start? Try to stick to your plan.

If you are going to try online dating invest time in creating your profiles. Revise them as you go along. Don’t do a half-assed job of your profile — it will not attract who you want it to. Be proactive and don’t procrastinate. If you see a profile that interests you, contact that person. Waiting for someone to contact you is not a reliable way to meet people so take control and contact them.

The same thing is true outside of internet dating. You still need to dress up and show your best self. Go to new places: restaurants, coffee shops, parks, bars, and grocery stores. You are showing yourself off, as well as going to these new places.

It takes more confidence to walk up and start talking to someone in person then it does online. But if you walk up to someone and start talking to them, you are taking some control over finding someone.

Don’t take rejections personally. They are not trying to hurt you. If they are, the problem is theirs, not yours. Learn from your rejections — they can help you understand what does not work. Develop resiliency. Seriously, resiliency is very important. Learning to bounce back from rejection and relationships that don’t go anywhere helps get you back on track to what you are looking for. Resiliency will help you through rough times in life as well as in relationships.

You have a goal and it is a very important one. However the road you travel to get to it is just as important. It is a journey of self-discovery, self-refinement, enjoyment, possibly disappointment, and maybe pain. Pain is a horrible way to learn, but often teaches us better then other ways. If something is painful when it ends it is usually because it is either close to what you want or very far from it.

Take each disappointment as an opportunity. What about the experience was disappointing? Didn’t like the way they dressed? Did they talk down to you? Politics too far away from yours? All of these help you refine who you are looking for.

Also remember what is enjoyable and make it part of your check list. Specifics are important here too. If you received an incredible back rub, was it deep or light? You might think, hey I got a back rub that’s what counts. No, that is not what counts. What counts is you got an INCREDIBLE back rub and you need to remember why it was incredible. Something that is enjoyable is worth repeating. Knowing why it is enjoyable helps you look for it and ask for it.

Choose your words carefully. What you say can be misunderstood and you want to limit that. Tact goes along ways. Try not to read too deeply into things, especially not at first. Not everyone thinks about every word that comes out of their mouth. The wrong word choice might upset you, but that probably is not the intent.

Most importantly, have FUN! Yeah this is a lot of work, but that is no reason to not enjoy yourself.

  • Self Investments:

  • Clothes
  • Physical activity
  • Hair cut
  • Posture
  • Hobbies
  • Recreational activity
  • Toastmasters
  • Updating dating site profiles
  • Classes
  • New foods
  • New music
  • Pamper yourself – let yourself know you are worth it.
  • Confidence

Things to do:

  • Create/update profiles
  • Polish profiles
  • Contact people you are interested in
  • Don’t procrastinate
  • Try new hobbies/coffee shops/social scenes
  • Find like minded people to be around
  • Recharge
  • Talk to friends
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